


But Both Of Our Hearts Believe

by Captain Bimerica (ConsultingGoldfish)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Attempt at Humor, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-14 06:24:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2181306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsultingGoldfish/pseuds/Captain%20Bimerica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"After years of hard work, scientists at Norfolk finally came up with a drug called Neurotriptyline. This was designed to prevent the brain from sending out all of the signals that cause feelings of love and sexual attraction. All of the test subjects who took part in the drugs clinical trials continued to have feelings for the people they met before it was administered, but could not make any more attachments with people after the drug had taken effect."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning; really light mentions of depression and suicide.

As Earth's population started to grow at a rapid rate, countries began to fall into total poverty and bankruptcy. England was no exception and eventually the country could no longer support the amount of citizens living there, forcing it close it's borders. Unfortunately, that alone wasn't enough to stop the population from rising within the country and within less than 100 years, the entire economy had collapsed. With people struggling to survive, the government was forced to find a way to control the population.

After years of hard work, scientists at Norfolk finally came up with a drug called _Neurotriptyline_. This was designed to prevent the brain from sending out signals that cause feelings of love and sexual attraction. All of the test subjects who took part in the drugs clinical trials continued to have feelings for the people they met before it was administered, but could not make attachments with people after the drug had taken effect.

Although it only worked for a period of 4 weeks (per dose), the government had plans to inject the serum into children as soon as they turned 13. This would ensure that they were given a chance to bond with their parents and friends, but could not do anything that would cause the human population to rise. Couples would then be specially generated for breeding purposes only. Once a couple had been matched, they would be required to miss a dose of _Neurotriptyline_ and take another drug that was designed to _enhanced_ romantic and sexual feelings – a love potion. They would then be left alone for 24 hours and inevitably fall in love.

The public opposed this system for years, but eventually it passed as a law and was strictly enforced to prevent opposition. Anyone caught breaking the law was sentenced to life in jail or, in the most extreme cases, death.

As strange as it might sound, these new laws worked perfectly for years however, the government did not take into account a few fundamental flaws.

Kieren Walker and his childhood best friend, Rick Macy, were perfect examples of how flawed the system was. They both took their shots when they turned 13, and for a while everything was perfect. As far as they were concerned, nothing had changed; and that was the problem!

At the age of 15, Kieren started to realise something was wrong. He began questioning his sexuality. This is something that shouldn't have bothered him because, _Neurotriptyline_ was supposed to extinguish romantic and sexual feelings. Thus, wondering what gender he was interested in shouldn't have even crossed his mind. The problem was, that the drug only blocked out _new_ feelings...

Eventually his confusion settled and it was no longer a question of whether he liked boys or girls or both; but whether he liked a certain boy – Rick.

Although it was hard to come to terms with, Kieren soon realised the unfortunate truth: he was in love with a boy he could never be with, and that was okay. No one, not even Rick, could ever know how he felt. The risk of being caught by the government was high, but the rick of loosing Rick forever was higher.

Sadly, nothing in life ever goes to plan. When Kieren was 17, he invited Rick over for a sleepover and everything changed.

"Ren, what are you afraid of? You got into art school!" Rick enthusiastically waved his arms in Kieren's face.

"I know. I'm just not sure if I want to go to art school any more... My life is here," _you're here_ , he wanted to say, "Besides, what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?"

"I dunno mate. Me dad's still pressuring me to join the army, but I don't know what I want any more..." he trailed off.

Kieren waited for Rick to continue talking, but he never did. Instead, he began leaning forward. Kieren desperately wanted to close the gap between them and smash their mouths together, but his instincts kicked in and he pulled away instead, "What are you doing?"

"Shit. Ren. Sorry. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, I just, I wanted to, er, you know, just once," Rick tripped over his words awkwardly, "You know what, never mind. I should probably just, just go. Fuck."

Kieren mentally kicked himself for interrupting Rick. He realised what was happening and panicked. He feared what would happen if they... If they what? If they kissed? Or if they were caught?

"Wait!" Kieren called, his heart beating faster than he thought humanly possible as his hand encircled Rick's wrist and pulled him back. Before he could over analyse the situation again, he pulled Rick close and pressed their lips together the way he should have moments ago.

The rest of the night was spent that way, sharing secret kisses in Kieren's darkened bedroom. It was so perfect, that he began to wonder what he had been so afraid of. Sure, breaking the law was punishable by life in prison or death, but only if you got caught. For the first time since he came to understand his feelings, Kieren was willing to ignore the consequences and actually wondered if they could make a secret relationship work; at least until he moved away to art school in September.

Unfortunately, Rick didn't seem to share Kieren's optimism. The following week he avoided Kieren and refused to acknowledge what had happened between them. Kieren tried to find out what was going on, but it's hard to ask why your _'best friend'_ suddenly isn't talking to you when they are _suddenly_ _not talking to you._

A few weeks later, Rick finally came out of hiding. Kieren was more than a little surprised to see him when he showed up on his doorstep one evening, asking if they could talk. Although he wanted nothing more than to tell Rick to fuck off, Kieren lead the way towards their den (a cave they had discovered when they were 8), in the hopes of receiving a decent apology. However, when they got there Rick could hardly look at him, let alone speak to him.

"If this is your apology for ignoring me for 4 weeks, it fucking sucks."

"I am sorry Ren, I just didn't know how to tell you the truth..." _The truth?_ Kieren waited patiently for Rick to continue speaking on his own terms, because he didn't trust himself to be polite. After being kissed and then ignored for four weeks, all he wanted to do was yell at Rick, "I'm joining the army..."

Kieren's eyes widened. He had tried to imagine what Rick would say to him once he had finally stopped avoiding him, but never did he imagine this, "What? Why? Is this because of your dad?”

"No. Yes. I mean no. Sort of. Look, it's for the best!"

"How? I might never see you again!" Kieren never meant to sound so selfish, but the pain of being ignored by someone he loved was nothing compared to the pain of being told he might never see him again.

"It's to protect you!" Rick yelled, "I thought I could keep my feelings hidden, but it was just getting harder and harder. I was going to tell you about my decision that night but... I fucked up! The morning after... you know, I practically begged dad to use his military power to bump my application though. I panicked!"

"Rick, I leave for university in September! And what about college?"

"I just need to get away as soon as possible. Besides, it's what me dad wants from me. I know how you feel about him, but he's me dad, Ren. It's for the best."

Kieren wished Rick would stop saying that it was all for the best, but he knew that it was already too late to change his mind. His application had already been sent off. All he could do was hope that his dad hadn't been able to speed up the process, "Okay. Yeah okay... If it's what you want."

Rick finally looked up at Kieren and smiled weakly, “I'm sorry for ignoring you.”

Kieren smiled, (unable to stay mad at Rick), and they agreed to spend the rest of the evening together.He wished he could convince Rick to stay with him for longer, but he knew he had to let him go eventually. Both of their lives would have been at stake if they stayed together. That didn't change how much he wanted it though.

The following day, Kieren couldn't get Rick out of his head. There was something he desperately wanted to tell him before he left for basic training. Maybe he could visit before lunch? Just as he began getting ready to go out, however, there was a soft knock on his bedroom door.

Kieren opened his door when no one else did, and was surprised to see his younger sister, Jemina, standing behind it. Usually she wasn't so polite and just barged into his room like she owned it, but not today...

“Are you okay?” Kieren asked worriedly.

Jemina shook her head, “It's Rick. He's dropped out of college and joined the army... He left for basic training this morning.”

As soon as the words left his sisters mouth, Kieren felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. He hadn't been expecting to loose Rick so suddenly. Sure, he knew Rick had sent an application to the army, but he didn't realise he had already been accepted! Why wasn't he told? Is that why Rick had been so distant last night, because he knew he hadn't told Kieren the whole story?

After Jem dropped that bomb shell on him, it took weeks for Kieren get back on his feet. He felt lost and empty inside. His parents gave him the space he needed, but Jemima was the one who supported him and picked up all of the broken pieces Rick had left behind. She was only a year younger than Kieren, and able to read him like a book. Although she was gentle with him at first, after a couple of weeks she started to get sick of his moping and decided to take matters into her own hands.

"Look Kieren, this needs to stop. I know Rick's gone, but it's not like he's dead! Maybe in couple of years he will return home and you can like happily ever after. Or as closely to happily ever after as possible in this life."

Kieren frowned, "What?"

"Oh come on Kier, it's obvious! Just because half of Roarton are blind, doesn't mean I am!" She punched Kieren's arm playfully.

"How- Jem, if anyone finds out, I could be hanged! And not by the government either!"

Despite how serious the conversation was, Jemina couldn't help but crack up at her brothers reaction. It was entirely plausible that the village of Roarton would rally together to slaughter Kieren if they found out about his crush, but that didn't make his statement any less hilarious. Kieren frowned at his younger sister, but her giggles quickly became so contagious that he also fell into a fit of laughter beside her. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed like that. When they both finally calmed down, he was grateful to have a sister who didn't put up with his shit for long.

After that night with Jemima, Kieren finally began getting back to his old self. It took time (and some gentle prodding), but things eventually returned to normal. Mostly. He even finished his final year of college in the summer.

The massive Rick shaped hole in his heart still throbbed daily, but he was keeping busy and adjusting to life without him.

* * *

On a particularly warm summers day, Kieren heard a conversation that would change his life forever. He was working hard at the local pub, when he over heard a resident known as Garry talking to the bar owner in a hushed voice, "Have yer heard about Rick?"

Kieren's heart leapt in to his throat at the mention of his almost-lovers name, but he kept silent and listened to whatever news Garry had. Was Rick coming home? Was he doing okay? Had he received an honour?

"It's just tragic. Do we know more yet?"

_Tragic? What?_

Garry: "Apparently it was an explosion that got him. His body hadn't been found yet.."

 _Explosion... Body..._ Kieren froze and a glass slipped from between his fingers. His entire world instantly shattered around him, like someone had taken a hammer to his heart. All eyes were suddenly on him, but he couldn't see any of them. All he could see was Rick – his beautiful Rick – lying in pieces on the battlefield.

In the weeks that followed Rick's death, Kieren spiralled into a deep pit of depression. He never left his room. He barely ate. He never did much of anything. Life had no meaning to him any more. It was clear that a piece of him was lost that day in the pub, but no one had the ability to locate it. Not even Jemima...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is essentially a Simon/Kieren story, but I wanted to set the scene first. Sorry for skimming over Kieren's depression and suicide! I find both things extremely triggering and difficult to write about, so I will continue to do so throughout the story. 
> 
> Also, the drug is called Neurotriptyline because I am too lazy to come up with a unique name...


	2. Chapter 2

Kieren Walker always found it weird when a book described character waking up in a new or unfamiliar place with words like: disorientated. He thought it was an unrealistic description, because seriously, who forgets where they fell asleep? However, the day he woke up in hospital, he wished he was one of those fictional characters. He wished he could forget the events that had landed him there...

Before blinking back into consciousness, Kieren remembered pressing his Swiss army knife to his forearms. He remembered feeling his life force flowing out of him. He remembered feeling a final sense of relief...

"Kieren?" a familiar voice questioned gently, "Ah, you're awake. Welcome back kid."

When Kieren pulled himself upright, he recognised Dr. Tom Russo standing at the foot of his bed. He had to see him every month when he visited the clinic for his dose of _Neurotriptyline_ _,_ so it wasn't difficult to put a name to his face _._ For five whole years, he'd never been seen by anyone else.

"What happened?" Kieren asked instinctively.

Russo briefly turned his attention away from Kieren's medical file, but hesitated to reply. It was evident that he was filtering what he said; it was as if he was playing Russian roulette with words, and anything he said could potentially trigger something within his patient, "A young woman bought you in two nights ago after you... If if wasn't for her experience in first aid, I don't know if you would have made it here alive. You'd lost a lot of blood and were unconscious by the time you got to us..."

 _I was asleep for two whole nights?_ Kieren thought, before Roso began explaining all of the medical procedures he had been through during that time: stitches, a blood transfusion and enough drugs to keep him asleep for over 24 hours.

"I will send a nurse in soon, to disconnect your feeding tubes. As long as you promise to eat something, that is," although Kieren nodded, he wasn't sincere. He felt his gut twist at the mention of food, and was certain he wouldn't be able to keep anything down. You can't exactly admit that to a doctor though. Not without receiving a slightly patronising lecture. Plus, Kieren desperately wanted to be tube-free. He hadn't even been awake for an hour yet, and they were already twisting around his limbs, "Good. Would you like me to inform your parents that your awake?"

Kieren felt his eyes widen. He hadn't even thought about his parents. Not now and not _then, "_ Are they here? I can't see them. Not yet."

_They can't see me like this._

"Okay, I will tell them that your still asleep," Russo turned to leave his room before adding, "And Kieren, don't worry. They haven't seen you yet."

 _Yet._ Kieren hoped they would never have to. He wished they were blissfully unaware of what he had done to himself, but he knew how unlikely that scenario was.

"The girl who _saved_ me. What was her name?"

"Amy Dyer."

* * *

_Trapped_. That's how Kieren felt after he woke up. Like he was a gladiator, and his thoughts were lions - hiding in the shadows, and pouncing on him before he knew what was happening. He wasn't even lucky enough to fight inside the grand Colosseum. Instead, he got a wire-mesh cage. There was no escape.

Before he called upon the Grim Reaper, Kieren felt nothing but emptiness. Everything that had once took up space in his heart had moved away, leaving nothing but cobwebs. Now, that space was filled with anxieties so crushingly powerful, it felt like he was being buried alive.

"Hey handsome! Look who's up!" a voice chirped from his doorway. Was it possible for a human to _chirp?_ And why was everyone sneaking up on him like freaking ninjas?

At first, Kieren assumed that the owner of the chirpy-voice must have been in the wrong room. However, when he turned his attention to the figure looming in front of him, he couldn't help but frown at how familiar she seemed. He was sure he'd never seen her before. _But perhaps..._ "Are you Amy Dyer?"

"In the flesh! It's Kieren, right?" she smiled, but Kieren didn't share in her enthusiasm. He wasn't prepared to face the woman who had pulled him from the clutches of Death himself. What was he supposed to say to her? _Thanks? You saved me from making a terrible mistake?_

Instead of saying anything he might regret, he just turned away from her gaze. He didn't want to look into the eyes of his _saviour_ anyway.Perhaps she would take the hint and go away...

She didn't. Instead she sighed and perched herself at the end of his bed. Perched? Chirped? Kieren was beginning to wonder if she was actually a bird, "A few years ago, the doctors told me I only had a few more years the left to live. No matter how hard I tried, I was fighting a loosing battle to Leukaemia. I remember, getting really sick one day and thinking, _'This is it. I am going to die, before I have even been given the opportunity to truly experience life!_ _I'm being benched before I've even got to play the game.'_ But I didn't die that day! Or any day, clearly! I started to undergo a new treatment and after months of terror and pain, I started to go into remission."

Kieren chewed his bottom lip, and slowly rolled over to face the young woman sat at the end of his bed; his eyes were wet with tears. Amy smiled and her face softened, "If I can kick cancer in the teeth, then you can fight whatever demons are haunting you, gorgeous."

"Thank you... For what you did," The words felt foreign in his mouth. He wasn't sure how much he meant them, but he felt like they needed to be said. He couldn't stay mad at this woman, no matter how much he resented her actions.

"So, what happened to you Kieren?"

Kieren hesitated, but in the end he told her everything. He told her about Rick and his feelings for him; why he joined the army and how he died. Maybe it was foolish, but he trusted her with the truth and by the time he had finished speaking, Amy knew more of his secrets than _anyone else._ He expected her to call him he was foolish for almost wasting his life or something, but she didn't. She just listened to his story in silence.

Kieren waited for some kind of unwanted sympathy comment, but it never came. Instead, Amy pulled him into her arms and held him closely. It was strange how warm it made him feel. Kieren didn't understand why, but he felt really close to Amy after the time they had spent together... It struck him them that the _Neurotriptyline_ was not currently in his system.

"Sorry, but I am going to have to ask you to leave. Mr. Walker isn't supposed to have any visitors at the moment," a nurse suddenly appeared during the pair's embrace, making them jump apart as if they had something to hide.

"I'll see you soon Mr Walker," Amy bowed her head in apology and jumped off Kieren's bed. She then leaned towards his ear and whispered softly, "Talk to your family. They won't be angry at you, I promise. Just happy to see that perfect face."

* * *

Kieren eventually did see his family. That very day in fact. It went much better than expected too. The circumstances that led to him being hospitalised weren't even bought up in conversation. It almost felt as if they didn't know after all... Or it would have if their knowing gazes hadn't continuously fell towards the bandages binding his forearms.

Kieren's dad, Steve, smiled too much as he regurgitated everything he had heard on the news recently. It was obvious to Kieren that he was trying to use small talk as a shield, but it was unclear who he was trying to protect: his son or himself?

"Where's Jem?" Kieren asked, interrupting his father mid sentence. When his parents exchanged glances, his question was answered.

"She is busy today." _Lies._ Kieren knew exactly where she was: avoiding awkward scenarios like this one. Avoiding Kieren. Although it hurt to know his sister didn't want to see him, he couldn't blame her. After all, he had done by be same thing when he woke up earlier that day. Still, he missed her and hated himself for hurting her.

A few days later, Jemima still refused to made an appearance. Kieren asked about her constantly, but it wasn't enough to summon her.

The day Dr. Russo discharged Kieren, he couldn't have been more relieved. After almost a week under observation, he was getting tired of seeing the same four walls. It felt like his room was shrinking each day; collapsing in on him slowly. However, his release was under the condition that he visited a councillor once a week.

He also had to return later that day for his _Neurotriptyline_ shot. Kieren had requested to have it before he was discharged, but it wasn't ready by the time he was due to leave so he agreed to return for it in a few hours. Which he did.


	3. Chapter 3

 

Kieren felt like he was staring in some cliché horror film, as he moved towards the porch door; his heart crashing into his ribs with each step. Although it was only mid-afternoon, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was about to open up his house to a crazed murderer.

With one final breath, he pulled the door open and prepared to meet his fate...

There was no crazed murderer. There was just Amy and a massive, shit-eating grin. Why was she always smiling?

“Jesus Christ, Amy!” Kieren jumped out of his skin when he saw her.

“Hey there handsome! What's up with you? You look like you've seen a ghost!”

Kieren rolled his eyes and tried to control his erratic breathing, “Yeah well. You kinda scared the shit out of me to be honest. I wasn't exactly expecting visitors... How do you know where I live anyway?”

“Oh, Tom gave me your address,” Amy's grin widened, and she punched Kieren in the arm playfully.

 _Ow._ His hand flew up to sooth his bicep, but it didn't do much to lessen the dull ache. Amy was much stronger than she looked and Kieren was certain she had left a bruise, “Tom? You mean Dr. Russo? Why did he give you my address?”

“Does it matter?” Amy shrugged and shook her hair off her shoulder, “Now. Grab your coat.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it's cold dummy, and you're going out!” she explained.

Kieren frowned. He had only just got back from the hospital and had absolutely no intention of going anywhere, “No. I'm not. I'm busy.”

“Doing what? Brooding in your bedroom? You can either come out with me, Kieren Walker, or I will stand right here for the rest of my life. Which, I really don't want to do because, it's bloody freezing!”

With a sigh, Kieren grabbed the first jacket he could find and stepped out of the porch to find Amy bouncing up and down like an excited seal pup. With a roll of the eyes, he shoved his hands into his pockets and raised his shoulders, “So? Where are we going?”

“All in good time, young knave,” Amy teased, hooking her arm around Kieren's.

Kieren smiled and allowed himself to be lead away from his house by a girl barely knew. There was something about Amy that made him forget about all of his troubles. It was as if she had a calming affect over him or somehow managed to seep through his dose of __Neurotriptyline__ _ _...__

Although he wouldn't admit it, he was thankful that Amy had dragged him out of his room. He felt so alone up there, with no one to save him from himself. Not even his family. His parents had both agreed to return to work after collecting Kieren from the hospital and Jemima was apparently stopping at her best friends house for a couple of days...

Kieren was glad that his family weren't watching him like hawks or hiding sharp objects, but he didn't want to feel like they were drifting away from him either.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Kieren asked, as they rounded a corner .

Amy glanced up at Kieren and frowned, “Do you want me to be mean to you?”

“No. That's not what I meant. I just mean... You seem so... Genuine,” Kieren always had difficulty pretending to like people, so he chose to avoid them instead. He didn't want to lie to them, by faking feelings he wasn't actually capable of producing. Amy on the other hand, seemed perfectly content to keep up such a pretence and was good at it.

That was the problem with Roarton. Everybody wanted to pretend that everything was okay. That _Neurotriptyline_ didn't exist and that the government weren't controlling their feelings.

Amy didn't reply to Kieren's question. Instead, she came to a halt outside a small bungalow and turned to face him, “Not everything is a lie, Kieren Walker. Now, come on. We're here.”

With that, she left his side and moved towards the bungalow opposite . When he didn't follow, she beckoned him forward and unlocked the front door. Was it her house? Kieren wasn't sure, because Amy had kept their destination secret.

“Amy?” a voice called, as soon as the pair stepped through the door.

 _Who else is here?_ Kieren though, his stomach twisting in fear. The idea of having to meet a bunch of new strangers made his heart speed up and his breathing catch in his throat.

Amy noticed his distress and smiled kindly at him, “Don't worry. There's someone I'd like you to meet.”

They moved through the hall, into what must have been the living room – a reasonable sized quarter, with just enough space for all of the necessary furnishings. The walls were painted bright green and a large banner with the letters 'ULA' was hanging above the sofa.

When the pair stepped into the room, a mysterious figure rushed to greet them. Presumably, the guy Kieren had heard speak earlier, “Is this him?”

_What the hell? Who is this guy?_

“Simon, this is my friend Kieren Walker. Kieren, this is Simon,” Amy introduced.

 _Friend._ The notion made Kieren smirk.

Simon offered his hand, but Kieren backed away. He didn't want to come across as rude, but he hadn't felt very sociable since he was admitted into hospital, “Amy's told me a lot about you.”

“We only met a few days ago.”

“Well you made quite an impression,” Although Simon had smiled gently, his piercing blue eyes never left Kieren's. It was a little disconcerting to be stared, so Kieren tried to find something else to focus on. Anything that wasn't the slightly creepy guy stood before him.

“Have you ever heard of the ULA, Kieren?” Simon asked, presumably to fill in the awkward silence that followed his last comment. Kieren looked over at the large banner hanging on the wall, but shook his head, “It means United Liberation Army.”

“ O-kay?” Kieren frowned, quickly loosing track of the conversation. Why had Amy bought him to meet her weird friend? And why did he stare at Kieren, the way a lion stares at an impala?

Amy placed her hand on Kieren's arm and gestured between Simon and herself, “ _We_ are the ULA, Kieren. And you've been chosen to join us. ”

 _Chosen? Join us? ULA?_ Kieren could feel the cogs in his brain grinding together, desperately trying to make sense of this new information. Had he been chosen to join a secret organisation like the Illuminati, or were they more like a group of drug smugglers? Whatever they were, it didn't exactly sound appealing. Or legal.

“Yeah, I should probably be getting home now. My parents finish work soon and the last thing I want to do is frighten them,” It wasn't a complete lie, but really he just wanted an escape. The longer he stayed in that house, the longer he felt like someone was limiting his breath supply and making soup out of his internal organs.

Simon went to speak, but Amy stopped him, “Of course! I'll walk you back.”

Kieren want to tell her not to, but in the end he accepted her company. He didn't really want to walk through the streets of Roarton alone and he wasn't sure he could remember the route they took – which was silly because Roarton was only a small village .

“Is that why you invited me out?” Kieren asked, when they stopped in front of his house. Although they had walked in silence for the rest of the journey, that question had been eating him up.

Amy pulled him into a hug, “Of course not silly. That was _one_ of the reasons.”

Kieren smiled and pulled out of Amy's embrace. He didn't know why, but the thought of her only wanting to introduce him to creepy guys annoyed him. He wanted more than that. He wanted the “friend” statement to be true...

But that wasn't possible. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was editing unnoticed mistakes in the previous chapters, I came across a few plot holes which I hope I will be able to address and fix eventually. Also, I went back to college last week so I have less time to write, but I promise to update when I can.

“Kieren, we need to talk about Glasgow.”

At the beginning of the year, Kieren received a scholarship at _Glasgow School of Art_ and was due to start their Undergraduate Painting and Printmaking programme at the beginning of September...

Kieren stopped chasing broccoli around his dinner plate and looked up at his parents. All he had been able to think about since he got home was Amy and her ' _friend'_ Simon, but the sudden mention of Glasgow pulled him from his repetitive thoughts. What was there to talk about?

Unsure what his parents were expecting from him, Kieren simply replied with: “I'm not going.”

“We know son. That's why we phoned the university for you today, and asked whether they could hold your place for a year,” his dad explained, “and they said they could.”

“What did you tell them?” Kieren asked, aware that universities like _Glasgow School of Art_ wouldn't just hold everyone's place for them if they asked. He hoped they didn't tell them about his suicide attempt or Rick's death; he didn't want anyone else to know what had happened. However, he knew they couldn't lie either.

“Don't worry,” his mum spoke softly, “We told them that you had been in hospital, following a bereavement, and were advised not to leave home for a while.”

Kieren nodded, unsure what else to say. He was shocked that his parents had contacted the university without talking to him about it first, but he wasn't angry about it. They were only trying to do what was best for him, after all.

As if he didn't feel guilty enough for his recent actions.

“So? Do you want us to accept their offer to hold your place?”

Kieren didn't know what he wanted any more, but he nodded. At least that gave him a year to get his life back on track. If he didn't decide to fall off the tracks completely...

“I'll, er, try and find out if there is any work at the pup,” he offered, trying to provide his parents with some peace of mind, “Call it a gap year.”

Sue and Steve smiled at each other and nodded, before returning to their meals and eating in silence. Kieren returned to pushing his food around his plate, like a bully in the playground. He wasn't sure whether his parents believed him, but he hoped the thought of him reconsidering higher education would settle their stomachs. And he really _would_ consider it.

After they had finished dinner, his parents washed up. Kieren had offered to do it, but was assured that he didn't have to. He tried to argue that the dirty crocks were his responsibility, but he was ordered to go and rest, instead. He got more than enough rest in hospital, confined to his bed – so that was the last thing he wanted – but he did as he was told and tried to appear grateful for being released from his chores.

While Sue and Steve were busy in the kitchen, Kieren was booting up the family computer; an old system that took way too long load. As soon as it did, he went straight to the internet and searched for the following:

**> Weather forecast**

Then, without so much as glancing at the page of results, he created a second tab and typed in:

**> ULA**

Instantly, millions of website links appeared on his screen. But unless Amy and Simon were from the University of the Andes in Venezuela or were providing the U.S. Government spacecraft launch equipment, he doubted their relevance.

What had that Simon fellow said 'ULA' stood for? United Liberation Army? That sounded like some kind of American independence thing.

Kieren ran his fingers though his hair. If he had just stayed at Amy's house a little longer, he would have found out what the ULA was and wouldn't be in this situation – desperately trying to figure it our before his brain explodes.

He was more worried about his connection to the ominous duo, than anything else.

After scrolling through a couple of pages, he eventually stumbled across a news article on the BBC News website that caught his eye. It read: **ULA Groups Wanted In Connection to Riots!**

Could that have been the same group, perhaps? With a click of a button, he loaded the article and decided to continue reading...

_Lancaster police say they are doing everything they can to capture ULA extremists, after last nights protest became violent. ULA groups are already wanted by the police for failing to take Neurotriptyline, and are now gaining a lot of public attention by actively protesting against the drug._

_2 people were killed during the riots that broke out at approximately 9PM last night and at least 6 were hospitalised._

_Local police say they only have 4 suspects in custody and are calling to the public for any information they might have._

_“These people are, by definition, breaking the law,” Giles Weir, local MP, commented during a public conference, “They cannot protest peacefully if their entire existence is a threat to the country's welfare.”_

_He continued by saying, “If you know a member of this group, please inform your local police department so that we can neutralise the threat.”_

_Mr Weir and the local police refuse to comment further._

Kieren fell back in his chair, unsure how to process what he had just read.

Was this the same group that Amy and Simon were a part of? Were they were breaking the law and missing doses of the drug that protected the country from falling into poverty again? Worse, had they been involved in these reported riots and injured innocent civilians last night?

Furthermore, what was Kieren supposed to do now that he knew about them? Turn a blind eye and forget about everything or turn them into the police? If he did nothing, did that make him an accomplice? And why on Earth had they expected him to _join_ them?

Whatever the answers to all his questions were, he wasn't sure he would like them. He wished he hadn't been so curious. He wished he hadn't searched ULA. Perhaps if he had just let go of what happen earlier that day, he would not have found himself in such a terrible situation.

 _“_ Hey kiddo, what yer doing?” Kieren jumped, as his dad began to approach him with a dirty tea towel in hand.

“Just, er, checking the weather...”He tried to quickly switch tabs. His palms were sweating and his heart was racing, but he didn't think his dad nothing anything unusual. If he did, he wasn't sure what he'd tell him.

“Ah yes. Rain all week. Like we would expect anything else,” Steve joked, as he read the screen and then smiled at Kieren, “Would you like to watch a film in a bit?”

Kieren accepted and quickly turned the PC off, hoping he would soon be able to forget about Amy and the ULA...

* * *

 

That night, Kieren struggled sleep. He had not been expecting to spend another night in his room after, what he was now referring to as, _'that day'_. Even after he work up in the hospital, he had not anticipated what it would feel like lying in his own bed again.

Suffocating. That's how it felt. Too many ghosts haunted that room in the form of memories, bleeding through the walls, and they were almost impossible to block out.

Even when Kieren finally managed to drift off to sleep, he didn't find peace. He found himself standing over Rick's body. A corpse that appeared lifeless, until it opened it's eyes and stared at Kieren, whispering the words, “You killed me. YOU. KILLED. ME.”

Kieren bolted upright, a strangled cry trapped in his throat. He wanted to scream, but nothing would come out.

It wasn't seeing Rick's dead body that scared him, but the idea that he had killed him. Because it was true, wasn't it? Rick would still be alive if it wasn't for his existence. He wouldn't have been so desperate to join the army. To escape their illegal feelings for each other.

Dreams like this we're the reason Kieren was driven to suicide. He couldn't live with the guilt. He couldn't keep dreaming about Rick. But now, he was condemned too. Amy hadn't saved him. She had doomed him.

By the time Kieren was in control of his breathing again and had run out of tears, it was light out. He tucked his knees under his chin and tried to sit calmly for a while, but it was too quite. For almost a week, he had woken up to the sound nurses bouncing around and the odd bleeps of machinery. Now, there was nothing. Not even a bird outside his window.

Unable to spend another minute in his room, Kieren decided to go for a walk.

After pulling on some fresh clothes and a jacket, he lumbered downstairs to discover that his parents had already left for work. A couple of months ago, this wouldn't have come as a shock. However, after everything that had happened, he was expecting to be babysat for a few days. He wasn't expecting them to act like everything was fine and dandy. Typical Roarton residents...

When Kieren approached the front door, he noticed that someone was standing on the other side. At first, he thought it might be Jemima, but upon closer inspection...

“You can't be here,” he stated flatly, swinging the door open.

Simon stared holes into his shoes and bit his lower lip nervously, “Amy sent me to apologise for being so... forward, last night.”

“Apology accepted,” Kieren replied, pushing past Simon and closing the door behind him, “You need to leave.”

Simon slid his hands into his coat pockets and spun on his heels, “Sorry if I caught you at a bad time. I just wanted to explain.”

"You don't have to explain anything. Please, just go.”

“Sorry but, did I do something wrong?”

"Your entire existence is wrong," Kieren hated sounding so heartless, but he didn't want to get caught up in any illegal activities. He had tried to defy the government once before and look what happened, "I searched for the ULA online last night – ' _ULA groups are already wanted by the police for failing to take_ Neurotriptyline.'"

Simon's eyes widened. Kieren had _googled_ the ULA? "You mean you knew nothing about us? Amy didn't tell you anything?"

"If you thought she had already told me about you, why did you ask me if I knew about the ULA"

"I wasn't sure how much you knew. When Amy told me she had found a new recruit, I assumed she had told you _something_ about us. Plus, she told me about your dose--” he cut himself off, "I guess that explains why she sent me here to apologise to you."

Kieren glowered, as he tried to piece together what Simon had just said, "What about my dose?"

"Shit I-- Listen, can we go inside and talk about this?"

"No. Tell me here. I am not letting a rebel inside my home!"

"It's not safe to discuss anything out here. I am not trying to cause any trouble. Please, just let me explain everything and then I promise I will leave you alone.”

Kieren observed as Simon's eyes flickered towards the house opposite. When he followed his gaze, he noticed that his neighbours blinds were swaying slightly, as if they had recently been disturbed. Were they being watched? That was the problem with small, country towns: everyone knew everything about everyone. They probably thought the sight of an unfamiliar figure, standing on the Walker's driveway, was a little peculiar.

Beginning to feel a little edgy, Kieren turned back towards his house. He considered running inside and locking the door behind him, but that would have drawn unwanted attention to him. Instead, he asked in a friendly tone, “You promise nothing bad will happen?”

Simon wasn't sure what would happen, but he nodded anyway and was, surprisingly, invited inside. Kieren didn't really want to associate with an insurrectionist, but what choice did he have? He was already involved with the ULA somehow and this might have been his only opportunity to get out cleanly.

“So, about my dose?” Kieren cut straight to the chase, neglecting to make his guest feel comfortable before interrogating him.

Simon hesitated, “Look, before I tell you this... Promise you wont get mad. I will tell you everything I know, but you need to listen.”

Kieren didn't reply. How could he make such a promise, when he didn't know what Simon was going to say? Rather than make empty promises, he said nothing at all and hoped that his silence would be enough.

"Okay then... What did you find out about the ULA?”

“Just that you are a group of protesters and rebels, who don't take _Neurotriptyline_ ," Kieren's words were bitter.

“I guess that's one way of putting it..." Simon paused, as if wondering how to proceed, "I don't know if you already have your suspicions, but you, yourself, are not current under the influence of _Neurotriptyline_.”

Kieren laughed. Simon must have had a warped sense of humour, "What are you talking about? I was injected with the serum yesterday – a few hours after I was discharged.”

“You were injected with green water. That's how we stay under the authorities radar... We still have medical records, so we pretend we were injected.”

Kieren opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He didn't know how to respond or what was going on, "I don't understand."

"Amy and Tom -- uh, Dr Russo -- thought it would be best if you weren't injected with the drug, straight after being released from hospital. Amy wanted us to talk to you, without the influence of it."

"Don't you think I deserved a say in this? In whether or not I was dosed with a _legal requirement_? If anyone finds out, I could be arrested and it would be all your fault!"

"Kieren, we are not your enemies here--"

"Well I don't see anyone else lining up to get me in trouble!” Kieren turned to leave the room, but stopped briefly to be straight with Simon, “I am going to the clinic."

Simon reached out to grab Kieren's arm and spun him around to face him. He couldn't let him leave, without telling him the truth about _everything_.

Kieren looked down at the hand, gently encasing his bicep and watched as it was hastily retracted. Never before had he felt so irritated. First the government took away his right to love as soon as he turned 13 and now a group of rebels were trying to make him one of their pawns.

"Why aren't you angry?" Simon asked, “You're clearly annoyed, but why aren't you _angry_?”

Kieren frowned. What did Simon know about his feelings? "It's not in my nature."

"No? Name one person you know who gets angry. Truly angry," Simon pushed.

Kieren thought about it. Who was the last person he saw get angry? He couldn't remember ever seen anyone get angry in his entire life. Sure, people got mildly irritated upset, but no one ever got _angry,_ "You can't get angry... _Neurotriptlyn_ doesn't just block out romantic and sexual feelings. It also blocks anger and hatred. No matter how hard they try to perfect their little drug, they cant separate the two sets of emotions. They don't tell you that do they? They tell you that their drug is for the greater good."

Simon paused in case Kieren wanted to speak, but he was at a loss for words, "Of course, hated and anger aren't nice emotions, but they are human. They aren't causing overpopulation, so what right do the government have to block them out? And why can't they tell us about it? Because they know its immoral. That's why. Anyone who has tried to tell the country about is, had ended up in jail."

"So what are the ULA trying to do? Inform people that their rights are being stripped away more than we already thought? There is nothing you can do about it. And rioting certainly won't solve anything!"

"No. Everyone's reason for joining our cause is different. Amy joined after battling leukaemia. And we don't all protest publicly and violently, Kieren."

Amy's fight against cancer is what drove her to join the ULA? That made sense. After such an experience, it was probably natural to want to take control of your life. Of your body. Kieren understood what that must have been like, but that didn't change how he felt about the organisation, "Why did you join?"

"I had no where else to go. I found myself living on the street for a while and a member of the ULA took me in," Simon turned his attention to the floor for a while, "Did both of your parents stop taking _Neurotriptlyn_ when you were born? Because my father didn't. He was given the choice, like every other father, but he refused. He refused to bond with his son. The only person who built up a connection with me was my mother, but she died when I was young."

"After her death, I didn't see the point of anything any more. I had nothing. I started acting up and eventually I got into drugs. I didn't value my life enough to care about the consequences... When my dad found out, we argued and he threw me out," Simon wasn't used to spilling his life story to strangers, and Kieren was sure he was burning a hole into his parents carpet.

"Do you still feel that way?" Kieren asked in a low voice, unsure how to approach the topic.

"No. The ULA showed me a better way of living – a life without _Neurotriptlyn_ ," Kieren nodded awkwardly, "Amy told me what happened. Why you... I am sorry that they halted your dose without your consent, we just wanted to talk to you. To show you that there are others like you who have fallen victim to the drug's _'side effects'_."

Kieren wished that Simon's apology and confession had settled the feeling of annoyance that lingered in his stomach, but it hadn't been quite enough. He was still a little upset about the whole thing, but not as much as before.

He now understood why the United Liberation Army existed and why someone like him might be thrilled to join them, "So, is this you trying to ask me to join you without the governments interference?"

"Yes?" Simon sounded a little unsure, however Kieren wasn't sure whether it was the question or answer that made him uneasy.

Kieren smiled gently and shook his head, "I am sorry, but I can't. I'm not like you... I can't just... I'm sorry."

"Well, if you change your mind... Find us. We wont be far. And, please don't tell anyone about us," Simon smiled. They bowed their heads at each other and Simon pointed towards the door that lead to the porch. Kieren nodded to clarify that it was the exit and they hovered towards it.

Just as Simon stepped out onto the driveway, Kieren cleared his throat, "You weren't involved in those riots in Lancaster were you?

"No. Amy and I were here. We would never resort to violence."

 _Right, cause your a bloody humanitarian,_ Kieren smiled as he watched Simon walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

"Sorry to keep you waiting, I had to deal with another patient," Dr. Russo apologised as he lead Kieren into his office, "What can I do for you?"

Kieren turned his attention to his shoes and took a seat opposite Russo's desk. He had spent the entire morning thinking about what Simon had told him and had finally decided to visit the clinic. He couldn't live with the knowledge that he had not been dosed with _Neurotriptyline_ the day before. The guilt was crippling. He already had enough reasons to feel guilty, he couldn’t deal with another one.

Finally, he came to the conclusion that returning to the clinic to receive dose of _Neurotriptyline_ was the only way to settle his conscience. Once he knew it was pulsing through his veins again, he would have nothing to fear. He would no longer be breaking the law and could return to his old life. But is that what he really wanted?

Over a week ago he had been desperate to escape his old life, was he really that eager to return to it?

He remembered the day Amy visited him in hospital and how amazing it felt to connect to another human being without some stupid drug making it impossible. He remembered how warm the thought of being Amy's friend made him feel.

He had been without the effects of _Neurotriptyline_ for about a week now and nothing bad had happened to him yet. Sure, most of that time he was in hospital and for a day he thought he had been dosed, but still... Perhaps what he really needed was some time off the drug, in order to clear his head and get a fresh perspective on life. He was hardly ready to run off into the sunset with a group of rebels, but maybe he could fight his conscience for a few more days?

This is why he didn't run straight to the clinic after Simon left. He had been fighting with himself all morning.

"I erm. Well I... I was wondering if..." Kieren stammered, trying to make up his mind about what he wanted.

Dr. Russo smiled gently and placed his hands on the table, "It's okay Kieren. You can talk to me about anything. Whatever you say is one hundred percent confidential and I will try my best to help you with whatever you need."

He didn't say it, but Kieren suspected that Russo knew why he was there. It was difficult to believe that a man of his status was in league with (or potentially a member of) the ULA.

"I just... I don't know what to do," he admitted, "Ever since I was discharged, my parents have been trying to act like everything is normal. Like I didn't attempt... You know. And now they're even talking about sending me to school!" Kieren blurted, trying to come up an excuse for being there.

"I am not much of a councilor, but I think your parents mean well. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and they probably don't want you to feel awkward about what happened. I'm guessing you haven't tried talking to them about it? It's going to be hard to adjust to life after what's happened, for them and for you," Russo explained.

Kieren knew it was hard for his parents too. Of course he did. And it was for that reason alone, that he was struggling to accept the way they were treating him. Shouldn't they hate him, the way he hates himself? Shouldn't they be mad?

"We will figure out how to help you and your family get though this -- starting with you. I have already set up sessions with Shirley for you, and for now I will prescribe you a weeks worth of anti-depressants. After you've seen Shirley, we will discuss whether you need the medication," Kieren nodded and muttered his thanks as Russo handed the prescription to him, "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Kieren lied.

"Do you need anything else?" Kieren shook his head. He had decided that he didn't want the Neurotriptyline just yet. He had more important things to worry about. "Very well then. If you ever need to talk to someone, my door is always open. Or perhaps you just need to find a friend who will listen."

"Thanks."

"Take care Kieren Walker and _be careful_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, just wanted to post a quick update. My laptop died and college has been busy but I am not going to give up with this fic.


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